Rain and grey here in Atlanta since I've returned. I'm GETTING SO dEpRESSED!

Everything is just feeding my soulful yearning for the far east. I've realized many terrible things today. I'm bloody addicted to coffee and I WASN'T before this trip: now i'm frekkin shaking cuz i been without for 3 days, and everyday I looked and looked everywhere for the coffee grinder cuz all I had was some Jamacan whole beans but then I'd get high and forget i was looking and spend the rest of the day with an aching and as yet unrecognizable need. Then this morning, I finallly realize that I need coffee, need it as badly as a baby; a tit, an alcaholic; his bottle, a nympho; her dildo.

Then, i realize that I've not left the house for any non-obligatory reason since i've returned. That world scares me. I feel much safer at home with my 5 TVs, my computer, my camera, my redtube and youporn, and the glorious glorious internet.

Every bloody day its fuckin wet and grey and I want warm sunshine so bad-never get tired of sunshine and warmth!

I try to be social: but all the people i know socialize primarily by night...and simply because my time clock refuses to reset by jet-speed modern time expectations... I just can't stay awake properly after 9 pm, and I'm up before dawn. And daylight makes a mockery because when I look out my window its nothing but dead plants, dead trees, and grey fucking gray!! Everything is grey!

Then I'm thinking, I need to get out. Seriously. I need to meet people that excite me, i need to fall in love. How am i ever going meet anyone if I'm going to waste this vacation tan to the resumed pasty whiteness of my computer screen glow saturated life. ON the internet?? NOO! I refuse! I have to get out there.

I turn off the tv, which I'm already needing too much, again, and resist (or maybe not) turning on redtube or youporn (god i'm horny and I can't get that austrailian out of my head: a favorite photo of us on my desktop makes me feel warm, nostolgic and sweet in theotherwise soulless glow of my screen), I pick out a old favorite skirt and look forward to the wholesome outdoorsy activity of buying a newspaper and clip-clopping down to the local coffee shop where artisty types might be hanging out. Mmmmm COOOFFEEE

I miss travelling so much, and i'm seriously missing Vietnamese coffee with sweetmilk. Oh myy god! Its so good to hear from you always. I'm keeping up with Trevor (whose in Japan), Reid and Luke, (spending NyE in Siam Reap (SOO FUKKIN JEALOUS!), and a few others whose news from home fall on greatful hungry thirsty ears.

So although your story was PAINFULLY tragic, it was also a joyus balm to my travel-starved (and caffine starved) heart.

I'm off to meet sexy artist/musicians and or underground rich business men types who travel a lot and let you do what you want.

Oh god! Gotta stop!
croftee!

ruminating on memories

Are we human? or are we dancer?

The Killers ask. It seems to me the humans are the dancers, the dancers human...and those skulking in the sidelines, or drifting through the dance floor oblivious to the music or too afraid of what they'll look like to dance, are not even human.

Well, i just grooved my way though S.E.Asia, where life is poppin and lockin as well as fucky jiving. Each moment was magical and living with the unfamiliar became dependable. Keeping moving provided certainty that each new day would be exciting.

The grey wet wintertime pock marked with a tragic public outbreaking of Consumer Fever has cheapened this American Dream story for me. Responsibility is hard to take seriously when a country and mindset ask it of you, while upholding a culture where people haven't a clue what taking resposibilty for self means. I'm trying to convince myself that I need to find a career asap, but this isn't truely what I want to do.

I want to get back there. I want to get back to living on the move, frugally and spontaneously. I'm dying to get to Safari Lodge in Fiji and serve cocktails to sassy foreigners as the sun sets each evening. I'm craving the cool mountian air of Pair and itching to explore the cave-ridden craigs outside Cave Lodge, Sappong, Thailand. I missed so much of Laos, the wilds of the north and wonders of its deep south known only by other travellers and not myself. And Cambodia...you siren of kingdoms--the smiles of your people speak across oceans and I feel their warmth in the cold wet Georgia rain.

And there's more, Burma, Indonesia, Malaysia, New Zealand...and the year in Australia.

I've decided to try my hand at creating a travel guide video series based on my own travels and see if anyone likes the idea....So stay tuned for this. I gotta make this passion work for me...HAVE to

New Instabilities and Finding Ground

It's hard to trust myself. My own well-meaning words betray me...



Sometimes when I'm specifically trying to NOT do something, I'm focusing on that something so much that I end up doing it.

I have a random issue to get off my chest.

Came back to my best-friend guy room mate having settled in with a gal he'd only been dating when I left. I like the gal. But I have a fear stemming from having lost awesome guy friends to new female love interests. The most esteemed man and friend I had in my life I lost to a long-term girlfriend turned wife. I tried in every way to meet and woo said fiancee. Without having met me she put her foot down and he cut off all ties with me to "preserve the stability of family" or some such business. I feel still the weight of sorrow and regret for history having followed a senseless path.

Back from the trip, with my roomie's and his lady's relationship escalated, old fears dominate my thinking and since I'm trying so hard to be nice and no matter what keep domestic situations friendly I'm afraid that I'll actually come off as being cold, or jealous, or Anything Bad...While away I came to value my roomies friendship as one of the most precious in my life--a due I gave to only one other, He who still fills my dreams with sorrow--the only time I ever get to see him anymore.

In my doubt and being my self-conscious over-thinking self, will I actually create a self-fulfilling prophecy??