Thoughts on Love

Blog after blog: i'm going to start doing this more...i need to keep writing. un-finish and repeat. So many blogs have sputtered out with that as the theme of their last, distantly spaced entires...like mine. Only it's not that inspiration has not been forthcoming, oh no, life is more colorful and interesting than ever.

Budgies still chew up my books and I still chase them around the house with a riding crop, so on that front not much has changed. However if you shrunk yourself down really really small and had a really really small submarine built that could navigate the human heart--i mean, pretty small here, you might notice a lot of unusual fluttering , melting, and swooning. If you could get inside you'd be amazed at how it's far vaster than the actual dimensions of its surface. There is so much love squeezed into every corner, crack, and crevice that I'm nearly completely sure you'd never reach the end of all that love. It's like some sort of inverted black hole the just keeps spewing out light from a source of infinite density. I am so sure that I want to love this person for the rest of my life and I am so eagar to begin that life, for every second apart seems a stolen moment, lost time on something more precious, more essential than air. I've fallen in passionate explosive ardent love with a good man.

I hate this part. Call me crazy like when I tell you that H1N1 is gonna kick our asses this year. Don't believe me because we've only been in love for a few moons. We are ready I tell you. Why praise his integrity, his genuine optimism? Why marvel at the multitudes of shared virtues after shared virtues, habits and goals we both keenly strive for? Why justify my reason for living? Why deny the love that I think was waiting for me all my life, for just this moment, with just this man? I'm cutting the ties, I'm embracing the Now. I'm in love love love and I feel more alive than ever before!!

i'm so hopeful that I will love this creature til all the days of my life are gone-- that with his love I will live the best possible life I can--that together we shall build a life as rich in happiness and fulfillment as any two creatures on this earth have ever realized. I join the ranks this summer, 2009, the Prophesied Summer of Love, of every human being that comes into the fullness of love, of people who believe that the greatest possible fulfillment is to live a life rich in experience and love, and to carve out a home, and have children and then watch your children's children grow up a little and die old and happy knowing you wouldn't change a thing.

Wanderer, yes I am. But not a lone one anymore. My story to tell in 5 decades, begins here on the first page of the story of the love of my life .

a Mad Mad world

Since breaking my hand, I've really got out of the habit of up keeping this blog--furthermore, my camera is broken, so the images are slower to flow through my computer. But life has been happening viscerally for the last 6 weeks--to much to recount now.

Tonight it's cool enough to open the windows, but the place has been very hot and wet lately. If its not dumping a thunderstorm on our heads each afternoon-its oppressing us with aquarium level humidity. My electric bill doubled this month, and i have just turned the A/C off for the first time in a few weeks.

My good friend passed an old ipod shuffle to me a few weeks ago and again i'm in a world of music after many many moons ( a couple years) without. My music collection has stagnated at a few hundred songs for a while now, and when I was in the car I listened to NPR or the local college radio station ( or the mexican channel, but that is a whole different story). But now I can plug a tape adapter in and my dashboard makes the grinding noises of threading and reading the tape and suddenly I have music of my choice along with me for the ride. I've been cyphering music from my friends, and ripping music off their cds.

All this seems adding a fuel to the fire of lust I have for technology lately. I've been coveting my neighbors iphones, mac books, digital cameras and camcorders. AND I want a scooter. I don't know which I should do first??? Buckle down and make some dough.

Speaking of, work life has been uber-pleasant lately. New GM is utterly fair, positive, and focused. It's a joy to work for him, and I do that. I come to work and effing work for him. There are so many good things happening at work right now it's unbelievable. I have a capacity to spit contempt sometimes at a .50 cent tip on a 64.08 dollar tab-but I'm finding this generous pool of patient positivity to draw from when ever I need it. I wish I worked some better shifts--sometimes a whole day of one-tops can crush a gal when she expected more. Butcha know--u just gotta look forward to the next opportunity to do better.

I had my first shin-dig at my house last Thursday night. Had a few guys and gals over and made wicked good and strong mohitos, with the intentions of hitting up Yacht Rock night. budgie loved the attention too of course!

I've been spending a lot of time with a particular person too and this has altered habitual rhythms-- (Weezer sings "everybody get dangerous" right now-which is uncanny) because 'tis an awful lot of time which tips all the scales of proportion towards the abyss. The following range from sickeningly nice to disgustingly pleasurable : reading to each other on the porch or drinking champagne in bed in the morning, and plunking away at our instruments in the park. I seem to like everything about him and I'm just looking to find a reason why it won't work. Why it couldn't. Because it's not worth it, a broken heart, is it?

Well, lets not get hasty, my heart is still locked away safely in the stronghold of my reason. (some might argue that I even have a "stronghold" of reason-but that is besides the point.) He's not what I thought I would ever fall for. So maybe I won't. It's hard to say now, when the truth is I miss his face when he passes me the coffee cup in the morning.

Ugh, I've got to wrap this up. On the way out the door to catch the midnight showing of Bruno with my gruesomely sexy insignificant other, and Durka and Crazy Dee.

Fourth of July Rocked too. Photo included. Later

Shame No more to Be Lame!

I havn't been writing this week on this oh so good time off. One of the reasons is that typing is cumbersome. Gee wiz, i remember writing long hand with a pen back in the day. My right hand is doing just fine, but my left, alas was damage in a horrifying dancing accident which left both partners a little speechless.


this photo for just those that come here... it won't be released anywhere else!

Thankfully my hand is looking much better now! Still no heavy lifting,and i better stop typing right now cuz typing makes it hurt.

cheers to all!
alr
ps. pete-i got ur email: sorry for the long ass non-response...typing has sucked beyond little twitters and shnike like that and i will respond! ooo :)

I have a follower??? When did this happen!?

Welcome wee follower!!! Thou art the first after many months of me blogging to the nameless and mostly absent masses...In a bit of a time crunch. But here's some snippets from an email to catch up with things:

Because Summer has arrived in Atlanta and its 80 and muggy. I don't use my A/C so my windows are open constantly and I think the busy road has me breathing toxic city fumes. Been rattlin' a cough for ages now but am other wise well (and Swine-Flu Free!!). I went dancing so hard and furiously and with so many random strangers last night that I"m sure if anyone in

I was DD, but accepted a shot from
da ever friendly Mudcatt on principle.
I couldn't drink it all anyways!! eww!

Atlanta has had it, I'm already doomed.

In 6 Wonderful Days I leave for Ireland. I've got loads of people to see and I'm very serious about bringing my tent with me and getting a few burly manly cousins to accompany me on a few days into the wild Irish bushland....any thoughts on this?

There really is so much news its ridiculous, so I must try to just spit it out! Though my veneer is composed and is set to do the day to day thing with vigor and dedication, my heart is awash in the swell of tempest driven high seas for freedom+ movement...*sigh* I miss you so much, and Leto, and MBavatu, and that hostel in Rotorua, and Pai, nestled in the unutterable sanctimonious beauty of Northern Thailand. I miss so. so. so. much more than that.

And with that said, though I want to bee-line towards saving for a Utterly Indulgent Years-Long Trip Abroad, it must be said that its a cheap shot towards something with a clear ending. So lately I've become fixated with joining the UN Peacekeeping Force abroad. Beaucoup Travel. Beaucoup Benefits. Beaucoup Pay and little cause to spend it. Plus adventure, helping people, and doing what I do really well: which is working in an environment where organization, efficiency, communication, and group work is valued.

With Mum and Dad's connections I think I can land my way on a career path that might actually yield a lifetime of work and merit, travel and adventure, opportunity, and freedom. I can always write in my free time. yey! I win!

But THAT can't happen til I get my citizenship: and guess what? Not here yet! They said I'd hear from them by NOVEMBER!. So I'm in a really annoying place where I can't move address or stray to far from home in case that letter comes in the mail announcing my date for test/swearing (with usual 6 days advanced noticed, and thats it). So after Ireland I'm just buckling down to save.
(above photo) My friend gets SWANKY (word of the week) with Mudcat on Northside Tavern.
I think thats the major stuff! I am still single but it seems the woodwork has movement yet! I had a crush on a dashingly handsome boy with a love for travel that was incidentally deaf from birth...he never got back to me. And last night I went rhythm and blues dancing with a gorgeous half-Filipino boy. We had a blast but there's no telling if he's interested, or even straight judging by his agility on the dance floor...as for girls: ugh, their all disasters!!! ha!!

Yep, I guess thats why I gotta cultivate my first loves: freedom and movement! At 3:36 pm the apartment is at its hottest, but an early promise of evenings first cool breeze rustles the curtains and sonatas briefly on the soft thin skin of my under arms before sauntering away; a wake of humidity falls in line behind and I take a big (hot) breath and resolve to keep on Keep On'in. So to speak.

A Handsome Filipino, a rakish Mudcat, and two girls...wait, i don't know them....!

Symphonies, Poison Ivy, and My Garden Grew!

YEY! A crazy blog that covers lots of ground and is really annoyingly underlined and blue in places

So I'm tucking into a huge bowl of leaves. I'm hungry, and I want to eat meat and cheese and ice-cream however, on my current high dosage of Prednisone it might be a damn silly thing to eat without my conscious. Those damn steroids will make me blow up just in time for the wedding in May, and I can't be having that.

PS. Folks, i'm having serious trouble with the underline button. I can't turn it off sometimes....

I'm on the drug because I went camping a few weeks ago. It was imperative that I test my new MSR Hubba Hubba 2 man tent and I had just the extreme weather I needed at the time, plus a crazy side-kick willing enough to try spending the night out in a thunder storm.

My MSR HUBBA HUBBA. It's the best tent ever! It stayed dry on QUITE a STORMY NIGHT
MSR TENT LOVER FOR LIFE! Look at the cosy roomy refuge!

The Type of day it was: The ceiling was low but the clouds rushed by without raining on us.

The Weather Channel Touted severe storms all day, but the sky was merely awash with gray clouds scurrying. I think they amped up the weather coverage for ratings, because the radar showed very isolated storms that wouldn't (and didn't) arrive til dusk. In fact, we had everything set up. My MSR Hubba Hubba was battened down and full of blankets and down pillows which we HOPED wouldn't get wet! Otter and I erected a tarp and built a low fire and watched the colors of the day congeal upon the dramatically foreboding clouds that sat low and high on the horizon. We even had a little sunshine: here's out little home away from home.

At dusk, the sky gets wild looking

Just as the sky was darkening so that the colors around us were fading fast a monstrous black cloud with a flashing belly came rumbling over us. This is the monstrous cloud with lightening in its belly!

We got what we asked for. It rained heavily. our tarp was set to high up, but it was too late now to fix it. we moved all our kitchen gear as far from the edges as possible yet when the hail fell, a few pieces ricocheted off the ground and hit us. It was thilling! Several micro-bursts came through over the course of the evening, and we manage to catch a fish during a break (try being out on a lake when the sky looks like THAT!), and cook it over our indian fire. Then just as we were readying for bed, the tarp snapped and the fire instantaneously ceased to exist and we pulled the tarp down around us and squatted in the pitch dark as the rain pounded us with only a tarp separating us.

We were camped pretty close to....THAT thing....

During flashes of lightening we could see each others faces: we were both a little elated and scared. This isn't the funnest thing ever, we were thinking. But then again, it is kinda fun. We agreed to make a break for the tent during the next lull in the weather. We prayed it would be dry.
We didn't have long to wait-these micro bursts were short lived. We peeled off our wet outter layers in the vestibule of my Hubba Hubba and were pleased as punch to see that our feather bed was bone dry and warm! Soon the pattering of the rain subsided and the moon came out and back lit the leaves of the dogwood aboves us like a shining head lamp. Then I went hiking the next day. And then I got Poison Ivy at somepoint. I kinda ignored it for a while, but I realized i was losing the battle. It was evil and spreading dispite the gallons of calamine I was using on it. I looked like a leper at work. I finally went to the minute clinic and got prednisone pills. Now I'm afraid I'm going to turn into a man.

The rash. It's lots better now, thank you!

Which hasn't happened yet. (me turning into a man, that is) In fact, I've had some amazing and classy Croft adventures!! Firstly Look at my GARDEN! Check out before and after photos! My basil has grown like 4oo%!! My Cilantro is kicking Mint's ass...why is that, I wonder! ? I think i need bigger containers soon!
Before: Note little basel 2nd to left and nothing in the cilantro/mint on the right

After: These were the 2 empty pots of mint/cilantro! Why is my mint so wee?


After: Look at my Basel!!!! It needs a new pot!

Went hiking twice since camping in the storm.... I can't seem to get enough of goofing about in the woods. And I wonder why and how I get poison Ivy.....

Me cavorting on a rock during a hike

Had a very social week. A friend from work had his birthday last week. For like four days in a row! This is us out at a new pizza restaurent.

Nom Nom Nom! oops, i mean glug glug glug

Been out with THIS crazy cracker and recording his jazzy stuff. See my Youtube for his awesome vids I posted there.

Went to the symphony last night. Was dressed to the 9s and LOVED IT! T'was Gustav Mahler's Symphony No. 6 in A minor. It was really sweet and sad and cataclysmic and epic.

My shoes are very happy to be here

at the symphony hall....

And here's some photos of the AMAZING BUDGE!!!!

So thats where I'm at. Just a quick update, no great insight into life. I am apparently not that good at doing that these days. I am thinking of putting together a youtube vlog tonight. We shall see. Cheers to those that follow.
Croftee

I want this to be true, i DO!

an email to a friend from Oz i met on my travels: thought it made good blog fodder, as I'll be too busy in the next 3-4 days to post.



I was reading over some old travel blogs from Cambodia and got all teary eyed and wistful. Those days were the best days. You know, since I've been home, I've thought of nothing else but saving dosh so I could get back to that life. But now a new opportunity has come up that I think might be foolish to ignore: UN Peacekeeping Officer. Good pay and benefits, plus more travel than you can shake a stick at. And my parents have connections in the UN that won't be around forever. The weight of responsibility looms just over my noggin--but so does what might be the gateway to a lifetime of fucking awesome challenging adventure travel goodness +pay! But before I can fuck off and shite, i have to stay in Atlanta until I get my citizenship. I called today but those people are getting more and more incompetent! I think my application for citizenship has been lost in the USCIS matrix. *sigh*

but no worries. Life is like Pleasure Tornado with a few Refrigerators thrown in. Found a Female Buzzard in the woods the other day, sitting on 2 speckled eggs. I have faith the world is doing what it's supposed to do. America's Leader is doing a few good things, the Fox News Loving Republicans are spitting hatred at him and meanwhile corrupt bankers and key persons in government are still comfortably running things--they've not been held culpable for being bonkers...greedier and cunning as fuck. Still Jon Stewart brings down the house with laughter and life goes on and it's spring and the car is covered in pollen: then suddenly it gets all freakishly cold and it snows on a Monday morning and so now there is Pollen Mud on my car.

Ungodly close to buying a scooter. Interested in your thoughts on that. Gotta wait until at least June. Going to Ireland for most of the month of May. Cousin's wedding. And an opportunity to see everyone--especially my grandparents. Hoping to get some camping in in the North-Connamarrah. My car is on the verge of needing repairs too expensive to justify, since the car itself is worth about...4$. A full tank of gas is probably worth more than the car itself...i kid. I hope to get a 900-1500 bucks for her one day....we'll see how long she lasts!

Budgies are good. House is cozy. Heart is intact and soul is singing (most of the time). I hope your settling in to your groove. I'm going camping for a few days and on Easter I'm thinking of picking up work. It wouldn't be a bad gig working on Bunny Day, as i like to call it. What's Easter like in Oz???? As much detail as u can muster, please.

Oh, and the coffee went well with this new boy. I was actually shocked at how easy it was to communicate! You sort of have to meet in the middle. I enjoyed thinking over what I said more carefully. I liked it when he got passionate about something and spoke a little too loud. It was cute. There was an inchworm that sat with us during our coffee and cake. He left early. I wanted to stay longer, but it seemed just about right to leave. I like new things. Reminds me off e.e.cummings. "you are quite so new a thing" that phrase echos over and over in my head: and I am smiling and smiling.

I loved all over my tables tonight. I got lots of love back. i guess i'm feeling pretty good, all things considered.

FACEBOOK BRAIN OVERLOAD!

MY MINT!!! It's ALIVE!

Okay, so I gotta share this or I'm going to explode.

T'was a joyous moment when someone I had an inexplicable crush on and somehow brain-waved a set of events into effect that landed in the information being exchanged with a boy more handsome than I have words for at the moment. The boy looks intelligent and he smells like old Georgia well-to-do-refinery, which is...I think- a bit intimidating. And another yet unbelievably daunting challenge--he is deaf...or some kind of deaf--you see-I know very little about him. Only that he captures some of my molecules in his aura and they come back...charged.

this is a fun feeling.

I received an email from him this evening which had me shaking my head. He speaks of wanting to travel...to travel!! And he answers my question (pie or cake) with a totally acceptable assessment of pie...and cake. His writing demonstrated an appreciation for detail and the simple pleasures in life.

Oh god, then I face-booked him!

And down shatters the fantasy. The girls in the photos look like painted goddesses. How could he possibly like me? A child of the earth in body, and a crone at heart, and a mother...well-even I have no idea where my Mother Gland is...that isn't to say ... hey! I'm not saying ANYTHING...No reason to get all worked up over a stupid coffee-date or whatever!

SO! after a few totally awkward texts we've arranged coffee tomorrow. There are lots of things going on right now and its just kinda another refrigerator thrown into the tornado of my life right now. Lots of great things actually happening so life is just unbelievably exhilarating! It's SUCH A GOOD TIME TO BE ALIVE!!!
I might as well post some photos of what I've been doing lately! Need to update.

I'll try to be brief. While hiking in North Atlanta I've regularly seen a pair of buzzards that circle over the Chattahoochee River. I remember seeing them for about 2 years. Saturday I came across the female, sitting on her eggs. I got video of the eggs which I haven't edited yet, but here are some photos of Mama sitting on her eggs.

It was a beautiful feeling...a sacred holy feeling-seeing nature actualized. Which is to say, here in spring time was a buzzard doing what buzzards do: making more buzzards. And this kinda ugly daunting creature resisted all instinct to flee from us to protect her young encased indelicate white eggs with little black speckles. I felt the rest of the day like I'd seen a once-in-a-lifetime thing... it was positively wonderful.



peas yall

time to get something out

(the new dress)

Because this whole past week I was engaged in nothing more creative than spending cash. No videos, no blogs, no articles...and I only advanced about a chapter in my down-under book. I bought plane tickets to Ireland Monday night (yey!) and spent time the rest of the week tiling a table, purchasing a new harp, and planting a wee garden for the window. I also bought a dress for the wedding next month, and took myself out a lot, which is somewhat out of character for me. Bad Teddy.

I need to stay in ALL next week! WRITE WRITE WRITE!

April is going to be buckle down and work and save and write month. I'm very much wanting to buy a scooter, but I think I have to wait until after Ireland...so June. (which is tooo faar away). My car sometimes makes ominous no-good-car-noises. So I hope it lasts me until then!

What do I want to write about, you ask? Geese, I got a few novels going "The hole would get bigger" is the title of one (its still all in my head) and "Bubblegum for a Hungry Heart", also unwritten to date. I've got some unexplored article headings about Facebook, and Chacha. Course, I could totally funnel my last trip into a book: if only I could SIT DOWN AND DO IT.

A ton of my energy goes into cleaning my little home. Sometimes the house looks clean, yet I can still find 2 or 4 good hours of work to be done. But it is only when everything around me is balanced and clean that I can focus on work. Is that bad?

I'm off to work for a few hours now. I hope it goes by fast and I make lots of mula!! Then I have dinner plans with Robert. (I think, he's being evasive). But I will be home in time for ATHF which has a new episode out tonight at 11:45.

and maybe some writing in there??? Probably not. Sob. And i have to get this video edited of the family trip!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH

So here's to the most boring laundry list of blogs ever made. I'm glad no one ever reads this anyways!!!

Jewels and Cameron at El Azteca last week
My new (thrift store) table for my living room. My tiled table and the harp.
Ze Garden!!!!

HAPPY SAINT PATS TO EVERYONE! It's a special holiday for me, as you may know, and i'm just looking forward to being Irish all day!!! Aye, tis a lovely breed to be. Everyone have fun and BE safe tommrrow!!!

One of my favorite scenes from any movie: Bladerunner...this is the final words of the character richard lugar

I've seen things you little people wouldn't believe... Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion bright as magnesium... I rode on the back decks of a blinker and watched c-beams glitter in the dark near the Tanhauser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time like tears in the rain...Time to die.

that movie is soo good.
Got ideas, so much updates to come!

OZ: Just a Very Strange Set of Co-Inky-Dinks

I had a strange OZ experience yesterday, come to think of it. So bear with me for another long banter. Worked day shift in the bar yesterday. Asked to work Night Bar Tables. Approaching my first table I immediately recognize the devilish good looking man...We'd met once before. It dawned on me in an absurd rush of newly made memory-which was placed in that slot (Will-Never-Need-To-Remember-Again)--that I'd just met this man on January 27 of this year.

I approached him as my recollection of his name surfaced in my mind..."Mr...f-f-FLANnery?" His name sort of manifested itself spontaneously on my tongue without me first consulting my Brain. He looked at me with Zero Rcognition in his eyes... At first.

I began to relate how we met. It was on a flight back to Atlanta from Chapel Hill. He was already seated in first class, and I was in, like, Zone 39...so I was like the 3rd to last soul to board. The other few Zone 39ners were lively folk, and we were all engaged conversationally from newly minted acquaintanceships due to the fact that we all had in common having been loaded on that damn plane last, so that surely there wouldn't be room for any of our bags in the overhead compartments, and as surely as it would be inconvenient, they would all be checked, and would we all then be charged $25 dollars a bag, which is the norm now, yes?

One of these jovial outspoken friendly folk pointed out to the Delta Associate scanning our tickets that a briefcase had been left in the concourse, and soon Mr. Flannery was summoned on the P.A.

We all were giggling and quipping between ourselves who or what the infamous bag-leaving Mr. Flannery would be. Then he showed up moving upstream against all the Zone 37ers, 38ers, and 39ers. He was majestically tall and well built, had a high brow, bold eyes, Irish jawline, Australian tan. He was dressed in an expensive suit and worldly-looking coat, and had the air of a 1920's banker or entrepreneur, appearing to be both a sophisticated gentleman and garrulous gambling trickster.

As he passed, well aware that WE all were aware that HE was the stupid sop from first class, who had just previously been so preoccupied with his cell phone conversation that he'd left his briefcase in the concourse-- we might not have individually joked about his situation outright him being an imposing, attractive, and powerful looking man. But since one or two of us had had a few cocktails in the concourse bar, and the rest of us Zone 39 stragglers we're naturally loquacious and smart-asses to boot-we all ganged up on poor Mr. Fannery who took it in stride.

On his way up the little tube (that connects the concourse to the airplane itself) we shook our heads at him, and I know I said "tsk tsk tsk Mr. Flannery")

Briefcase retrieved, he came loping down the tube thinggy again (do all Aussies "Lope?") and now his little First Class self was at the very back of the line, right on the threshold of the airplane hatch, just waiting for people ahead to be seated so we could finally board. I teased him "you must be Irish, by the sounds of your name Mr. Flannery" , then another 39er said "ooooh, that explains why you left your briefcase, ur drunk, as are all Irishmen all the time."

Mr. Flannery then went on to correct us, that he was indeed AustRAAAlian (he said it just like that), to which I suggested that THAT was the same thing, as they were nearly all descended from drunk, indebted, often Irish criminal-types.

He took the lighthearted teasing well, and I secretly wished he would want to talk to me more. But he sat in first class, and I sat somewhere between the wings and the Tuberculoses Ward in the back.

All of this, I just recounted to Mr. Flannery insomuch as some of the detail was left out. I told it in about 5 run-on sentences, and it dawned slowly on him who I was and how we met. He was flabbergasted that I remembered his name, and then shook his head at the coincidence that I should be serving him 6 weeks later. He introduced me to his wife (much to my chagrin...no not really, she's lovely(American), but he was just a peach!) I noted, in a mark that definitely counted against him, that he drank a stupid drink that made me seriously want to thwack him over the head...Sprite and Syrah over ice...what a nincompoop!

Anyhow, as if this story doesn't get MORE random and WEIRD, but right after we all establish how we met, I look across the bar and my only other Aussie Regular Guest is sitting at the counter. He is a smooth talking, highly attractive, debonair black man with a lilting Aussie accent. "Dan!" I come running over. "you won't believe it! Everything's gone Down Under today!" and I told him about Mr. Make Your Own Stupid Sangria and Leave Your Brief Case in the Terminal and Dan went right over and shook hands with him and struck up a conversation! All the Aussies were converging!!

And you want to know the weirdest thing? Yesterday morning, 8 hours before Mr. Flannery and Dan were to come into my bar nearly simultaneously, I was singing a song in my heart about Australia. I made up the words, though I've already forgotten the melody. It was about blue skies that stretched forever and ever, and blue eyes that would one day take my heart. And red dirt that met the sky and kissed it over all the horizons, and that one day I too would go there.

...and find a blue-eyed descendant of the Irish with an amorous accent...

Just because you Succeed Doesn't Mean u should Slack

...is the new motto I'm adopting.

This week has been a sordid affair. Quite. Coming into new terms at work. Some evolution positively but also some challenges. Bitched at least once to each boss that I wanted a high (and rightful) rank, even though I hardly work the floor. Now, ranked 12 of 3 score or more, it's time for me to step up. Start working doubles. Stuff the savings account.

And I wrote an article that's still in motion towards some wayward destiny in some such a publication as I-Don't-Know-What. Also released the latest Crofty Affair on Youtube which instigated somewhat frequent off-hand commentary from both co-workers and Regulars. (God, please) someone give me a euphemism for that word: I hate saying it "reg-u-lars"). hey! First feelings of being recognized without me bringing up what I do. I can thank Face Book for that.

So with being a generally productive week I still feel anxious that I'm not keeping all this in perfect balance. There is a challenge ahead to pick up shifts and even get another paying job to start funding A Great Journey (starring Lady Croft!). On the other hand writing must become a constant habit, not even a weekly thing but a daily thing. I know I'm capable of producing a lot of material on many subjects, keeping several research projects going at once, while still hanging in my PJ's all day while the budgies fly around, drinking millions of cups of tea if I want to, while playing the harp between computer screen eyeball meltdowns and writers block. It lets me lead a life where I ask questions all day and find answers in a restful sanctuary of my creation.

Plus, there's always a chance I'll get a writing gig. Always a chance.

So I'm in a good place yes? I feel like this stability has to have some catch to it, surely!? But no, each day I get up feeling pretty good. Ready to work when at work, and ready to follow my inclinations at home. But a Reg-u-luuur at work got me thinking last week.

He sat at the end of my bar as a slow day shift winded down and watched me get slammed right before my relief came in. I was cheerful but especially so because this Reg-u-luuur is right there at the top of the Favorites List. And he asks me, in his unbelievably enchanting accent, if I am ever sad and that I can't possibly be this happy all the time. Then he proceeds to ruminate on on what I must look like when I'm upset or angry.

Was is true when I told him I rarely show emotions such as these?

He goes on to insist, lengthening his vowels so as to sound both astute and marginally flirtatious that "you can't be like this all the time, you must get solemn and serious too." And I've been thinking about that conversation ever since.

During the quiet moments this week I give my brain a chance to sort through the Daily Stimulus Package that is Reality.

Sleep is often slow in coming. I lie awake for ages decompressing all the input or anxiously going over The Plan. Whenever I let myself sit quietly without a book or something to do my mind usually rests on my deepest concerns. And these, are quite often deadly serious things.

Sunday morning, for example. A "serious moment" occurred while driving through Midtown at dawn with the music off and the windows down while a mist gnawed on the tops of the skyscrapers and the only specters on the eeirly deserted streets were the homeless stirring with ever-hungry stomachs. Yeah, thats how serious it gets.

Or how about this? The other night, after heaps of time assessing (obsessing) over numerous personal matters and anxiously going over the next few days schedules, I found myself crying. I don't cry very much when sappy movies aren't involved. I felt a deadly serious ache prevail over all other senses and all I could think of was how wretched it was that I have spent so little time with my grandparents. I sobbed to think of them wishing they could see me more, the only being that carries on their seed. I grow sad and serious thinking of it now.

Go Figure.

At work, I enjoy being positive and upbeat, and take it as a challenge to uphold that veneer even when I feel bad inside. Being unflappably friendly and unerringly kind becomes a kind of power to wield over others, in my opinion. But optimism, cheerfulness, and hope aside, there is a time also for the "unemotions"- the feelings that don't move, and aren't moving anywhere. The ones that linger in shadow places of the heart and whose echoes are heard enduringly inside the skull.

I know we all have these. I'm going to be brave and talk about it, but I know that every one has regrets-a darkside, if you will. I guess my reg-ul-uuur just had to reassure himself of that handy little piece of wisdom I just gave ya. I must have pulled off a pretty convincing I'm-just-always-this-happy-act" But he was right.

I think I find the balance between my bright side, and what I suppose we'll call "my dark side" the same way I balance what I don't like doing and what I like doing, namely working and writing. Patience.

I'm not sure the source of the wellspring, but I believe its calming waters help keep things in perspective. Patience allows me to face work each day with zeal for a goal more than two years away. Patience let's me ride out bad tips, incompetent people, and long days on the feet. Patience tells me that waiting for true love is worth it and this wards off heart-sickness and loneliness. She assures me also that some children never grow up, and that many adults are frustrated, stunted children; if I am patient with them, and show them love it could help them a little little bit. Patience says to me that worry is wasteful, and this I live by.

When is the next Croft Masterpiece coming out, you ask??? PATIENCE PATIENCE my dears!!! All in due time!

Cheers to those who have helped me so much in my writings, and to those that inspired this entry. (u know who u are!!)

Cwoft

Snow day? only for Snowmen!

Woah!

No one thought the snow would come precisely because it was forecasted. It's as if the very prediction of snow was doomed, only it actually did snow. All day in fact. Big, fat, fluffy snowflakes. Loads of them falling down clinging together, falling oh-so-much-lighter than water.

It hailed pencil points that tik-tiked on my windshield on my way to work, and then, while i squeezed orange juice for mimosas and doled out ribs and steaks, Atlanta was inundated with cold water molecules with white parashuts . (spell check refuses to spell that corrected and I have refused go on trying!) In an hour my car was under an inch, nearly 2 when my shift ended a couple hours later.

Atlanta was confused. Atlanta babbled about it all day, notably mouth full of grilled chicken salad and Hawaiian rib eye. Snippets of conversations about snow could be picked up during any particular circulation of the dining room. We twittered. We took photos. Some build snowmen, which will be the sole survivors of the parashut brigades. There is one at the intersection of Freedom Parkway and North Avenue. Built perhaps by initially-flabbergasted then voraciously over-zealous kids or unusually giddy homeless people. It's little stick nose comes out at an angle.

Today the sun bore down and quickly melted any snow not protected by the shade. Thousands of Atlanteans called a snow day, while by 10 am all the ice had melted off their driveways. By Noon, the interstate looked normal, except for the odd car that would pass you covered in 3 inches of snow, slags of snow flying off the hood. One car I followed for a while had a shoe-box sized blob of slow at the bottom of his rear windshield. At each curve of the highway it would oscillate back and forth like a bubble in a leveller tool. I kept going "oooh ooh! it's going to fall off!!" I decided after a time it was no longer safe driving behind this woman who didn't bother to remove any of the 30 lbs or so of snow that covered her car.

Went for a remarkable hike that was followed by lots and lots of cake. And kir royals and salzburg coffee!! Oh when will I learn!?!?

Feeling particularly good and free.

Croftee---------------->

All icecycles and crunchy ground and squidggyness. Stunning day!

A "Pair" of Pliers?

This is me on moving day. I am wearing the colors of late winter-blue, green and red. The blue over-alls are crucial and their endless supply of pockets brings me as much pleasure. I can carry all of the following in all of my pockets:
1. Keys
2. Wallet
3. Phone
4. Lipstick
5. Sun Glasses
6. Munnee
7. Hand blam
8. Writing Pad
9. Pen

I accessorize with a tape measure, a pair of pliers (why are they called a "pair?"). I also accessorize with a abalone shell necklace from New Zealand, a red and white polka-dot scarf, and red red lips.

I cruise to Home Depot and buy floor laminate. I hang some curtain rods in the house. I go to the park with Otter and watch the sun go down and watch packs of more-than-slightly chubby, styled and primped botox beauties (ahem, uglies-more like) holding equally underweight but none-the-less well groomed small pooches. Whole caravans of puppy carrying socialites... I cock my head to the side watching chihuahuas looking back with a nervous, teetering tolerance of whats happening to them. And no, they don't realize they have it good and their human is socializing with other humans who, for their benefit, all carry small dogs like intifadas on parapets. These creatures look pretty terrified even of the humans who own them. Many seem to have no filter to keep their thoughts in order, and their eyes dart around always searching for what they were trying to remember-or in a constant state of confusion. And no, chihuahuas don't salsa dance either.

While moving I'm also working on a new writing project where (hey!) I might get paid and even published. Say the word Pub-lished. The "pub" I get. Nice Pow at the front which is cut short by a satisfying breathy B. And "lished" ...now that just SOUNDS sexy. Now if i could just stop writing my blog and unlock my brain and focus on writing some articles...

.........PUB-lished.....PUB-lisssshhhhed....PUB lic. PUBlic. Drunk in Pub lick. PUB lissshhhhed!


Further more, I've been keeping busy hiking. I've got a little facebook group together, and a small pack of us go jogging through the woods each week. It's absolutely my saving grace. Without these woods, so close to the city, to help clense my smog-filled, over-worked, stressed out soul. And it makes my buns feel good...especially during DA CLIMB!


< Dis ME by da Reever.

v Das Mo and Pom. A. Granite da dawg, having just climbed The Coccyx and emerging unscathed on the sunny side o de mountain.















How much fun can you have with a stick, a pine cone, and a camera? Well there are other factors involved too, like sunshine, wind, a park to play in, and a friend willing to play along.

Took some fun pictures while playin in da Park last week.

















And these came out REALLY kewl.






























Alright, well I'm really behind on Video making. So between maintaining the hiking club, writing articles, bartending, taxes, going camping, and being generally beautiful and awsome all the time, I'm pretty in need of extra hours in the day.

I must retire. Goodnight.

oh and this. Ode to Durka

Uh, I forgot I loved this video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1n7L-ZjVXq0&feature=channel_page

I made it this time last year- it does what I like video to do...it inspired me to get back to some basics.

A Homemade Trebushet

I helped my brother with a science project. We made a homemade trebushet out of a pencil, some cardbord, two ricotta cheese containers filled with rocks, some string, zip ties, and wire.


We launched a variety of objects to test it...much to my sisters chagrin.

Enjoy!!!

A Date With Dad

Wednesday night my Dad and I went out on a date.

Visiting North Carolina

All Hail Local Transit Systems!!! Atlanta's Marta, eat your heart out!! Chapel Hills public transit system rocks. For a recession-friendly $2 I got a stress-free ticket from the airport to the campus in under an hour.

I relished the prospect of staying with my Dad, Step-mum and little Bro and Sis in N.C. First of all, I've had trouble shaking a cold which has been migrating around my chest and head with the persistence and form of a ragged poltergeist. My offended lungs balked at having worked the max 40 hours/ week during my illness. Sleeping normal hours and getting on a regular eating schedule seems to be helping me to get better.

Oh and the food. oh my god: The Food. My Dad and T (step mumsie) rock the foundations of culinary genius every night. The table is always draped in linen and adorned with silver ringed linen napkins- a fitting formality for a the ritual of nightly family dining. The first night we ate made-from-scratch bacon cheddar soup. The it was Penne-al-la-vodka with delicious melted blue cheese garlic bread. Last night topped the charts with my Dad's unbelievable Beef bourguignon. Dear God I ate so much I nearly tore a hole in the lining of my stomach.

The pain in my lower left side grew from the moment i set down my fork and persisted keenly while i washed dishes. Soon my breathing was so labored that T recommended a certain position that would alleviate the pain...I assumed this position immediately on the kitchen floor where my Dad and Brother Bear and Sister Bear promptly exploited my vulnerable position.

As if that's not bad enough, after a few minutes of gentle harassment I went into the living room for some peace....my turbulence ridden full to bursting insides were relentless...as was my family's mockery...

In-family mockery must be common. With my older step-siblings there is no end to the light-hearted jabs we are continually making at each other. It is the same in my Dad's house, where our pet-peeves are often used as fodder against easily bemused sensibilities and where laughter can always lighten a load and say without words how much we love one another.

See here how much my dad loves me:



And here is my brother bear and sister bear, enjoying the goofiness of over sized sunglasses



















Then there's my Dad again assuming the evil villain with the napkin- ring -in -the -eye look.

It is amazing to see how much brother and sister bear are going up. Brother Bear is traversing that transitory stage between boyhood and manhood. He's thoughtful and intelligent and wildly funny and creative-a little carbon copy of his mum and dad. My little sister bear is on her own flowering path to growing up. Though initially shy, she is flagrantly outspoken and witty. Her imagination is unshakably vibrant. The two of them are personified joy.




The day of my arrival here, before even setting foot in the house, I went straight to my sister bear's school to watch her accept an award for scholastic achievement. I was in a room full of vivacious, healthy, beaming children. They all had arms and legs and shining clean faces. I was overwhelmed with emotion for the contrast of these healthy happy children to that of those in Cambodia that I couldn't hold back a few earnest tears.

After visiting the landmine museum in Siam Reap I became truly thankful for the protected and supportive shield of influence that protect my unknowing brother and sister bear. Spending time with them now seems to be of utmost importance. They are growing up fast, and these family moments are marking the passage of time with ferocious speed.

I spent the weekend enjoying my wonderful family-their cuisine and antics, and resting while getting better little by little. I've not been sleeping so well with disturbing dreams, night sweats, or nocturnal sneezing waking me from deep sleep. I did get to sleep-in today, but I probably slept too much as what sometimes happens.

So I worked on my resume, my blog, and kept up with CNN. I didn't get my paws on a NYTimes this weekend, breaking my New Years resolution but oh well, i suppose I could read it online. There just isn't enough hours in the day. I picked up a book about the early development of navigational equipment and theory that attempted to solve the problem of longitude...very interesting, but I've eaten already through most of it.

Ha i'm a book eater.

Should have ample time this week to post more. See yizall soon.
Croftee