Thoughts on Love

Blog after blog: i'm going to start doing this more...i need to keep writing. un-finish and repeat. So many blogs have sputtered out with that as the theme of their last, distantly spaced entires...like mine. Only it's not that inspiration has not been forthcoming, oh no, life is more colorful and interesting than ever.

Budgies still chew up my books and I still chase them around the house with a riding crop, so on that front not much has changed. However if you shrunk yourself down really really small and had a really really small submarine built that could navigate the human heart--i mean, pretty small here, you might notice a lot of unusual fluttering , melting, and swooning. If you could get inside you'd be amazed at how it's far vaster than the actual dimensions of its surface. There is so much love squeezed into every corner, crack, and crevice that I'm nearly completely sure you'd never reach the end of all that love. It's like some sort of inverted black hole the just keeps spewing out light from a source of infinite density. I am so sure that I want to love this person for the rest of my life and I am so eagar to begin that life, for every second apart seems a stolen moment, lost time on something more precious, more essential than air. I've fallen in passionate explosive ardent love with a good man.

I hate this part. Call me crazy like when I tell you that H1N1 is gonna kick our asses this year. Don't believe me because we've only been in love for a few moons. We are ready I tell you. Why praise his integrity, his genuine optimism? Why marvel at the multitudes of shared virtues after shared virtues, habits and goals we both keenly strive for? Why justify my reason for living? Why deny the love that I think was waiting for me all my life, for just this moment, with just this man? I'm cutting the ties, I'm embracing the Now. I'm in love love love and I feel more alive than ever before!!

i'm so hopeful that I will love this creature til all the days of my life are gone-- that with his love I will live the best possible life I can--that together we shall build a life as rich in happiness and fulfillment as any two creatures on this earth have ever realized. I join the ranks this summer, 2009, the Prophesied Summer of Love, of every human being that comes into the fullness of love, of people who believe that the greatest possible fulfillment is to live a life rich in experience and love, and to carve out a home, and have children and then watch your children's children grow up a little and die old and happy knowing you wouldn't change a thing.

Wanderer, yes I am. But not a lone one anymore. My story to tell in 5 decades, begins here on the first page of the story of the love of my life .

a Mad Mad world

Since breaking my hand, I've really got out of the habit of up keeping this blog--furthermore, my camera is broken, so the images are slower to flow through my computer. But life has been happening viscerally for the last 6 weeks--to much to recount now.

Tonight it's cool enough to open the windows, but the place has been very hot and wet lately. If its not dumping a thunderstorm on our heads each afternoon-its oppressing us with aquarium level humidity. My electric bill doubled this month, and i have just turned the A/C off for the first time in a few weeks.

My good friend passed an old ipod shuffle to me a few weeks ago and again i'm in a world of music after many many moons ( a couple years) without. My music collection has stagnated at a few hundred songs for a while now, and when I was in the car I listened to NPR or the local college radio station ( or the mexican channel, but that is a whole different story). But now I can plug a tape adapter in and my dashboard makes the grinding noises of threading and reading the tape and suddenly I have music of my choice along with me for the ride. I've been cyphering music from my friends, and ripping music off their cds.

All this seems adding a fuel to the fire of lust I have for technology lately. I've been coveting my neighbors iphones, mac books, digital cameras and camcorders. AND I want a scooter. I don't know which I should do first??? Buckle down and make some dough.

Speaking of, work life has been uber-pleasant lately. New GM is utterly fair, positive, and focused. It's a joy to work for him, and I do that. I come to work and effing work for him. There are so many good things happening at work right now it's unbelievable. I have a capacity to spit contempt sometimes at a .50 cent tip on a 64.08 dollar tab-but I'm finding this generous pool of patient positivity to draw from when ever I need it. I wish I worked some better shifts--sometimes a whole day of one-tops can crush a gal when she expected more. Butcha know--u just gotta look forward to the next opportunity to do better.

I had my first shin-dig at my house last Thursday night. Had a few guys and gals over and made wicked good and strong mohitos, with the intentions of hitting up Yacht Rock night. budgie loved the attention too of course!

I've been spending a lot of time with a particular person too and this has altered habitual rhythms-- (Weezer sings "everybody get dangerous" right now-which is uncanny) because 'tis an awful lot of time which tips all the scales of proportion towards the abyss. The following range from sickeningly nice to disgustingly pleasurable : reading to each other on the porch or drinking champagne in bed in the morning, and plunking away at our instruments in the park. I seem to like everything about him and I'm just looking to find a reason why it won't work. Why it couldn't. Because it's not worth it, a broken heart, is it?

Well, lets not get hasty, my heart is still locked away safely in the stronghold of my reason. (some might argue that I even have a "stronghold" of reason-but that is besides the point.) He's not what I thought I would ever fall for. So maybe I won't. It's hard to say now, when the truth is I miss his face when he passes me the coffee cup in the morning.

Ugh, I've got to wrap this up. On the way out the door to catch the midnight showing of Bruno with my gruesomely sexy insignificant other, and Durka and Crazy Dee.

Fourth of July Rocked too. Photo included. Later

Shame No more to Be Lame!

I havn't been writing this week on this oh so good time off. One of the reasons is that typing is cumbersome. Gee wiz, i remember writing long hand with a pen back in the day. My right hand is doing just fine, but my left, alas was damage in a horrifying dancing accident which left both partners a little speechless.


this photo for just those that come here... it won't be released anywhere else!

Thankfully my hand is looking much better now! Still no heavy lifting,and i better stop typing right now cuz typing makes it hurt.

cheers to all!
alr
ps. pete-i got ur email: sorry for the long ass non-response...typing has sucked beyond little twitters and shnike like that and i will respond! ooo :)

I have a follower??? When did this happen!?

Welcome wee follower!!! Thou art the first after many months of me blogging to the nameless and mostly absent masses...In a bit of a time crunch. But here's some snippets from an email to catch up with things:

Because Summer has arrived in Atlanta and its 80 and muggy. I don't use my A/C so my windows are open constantly and I think the busy road has me breathing toxic city fumes. Been rattlin' a cough for ages now but am other wise well (and Swine-Flu Free!!). I went dancing so hard and furiously and with so many random strangers last night that I"m sure if anyone in

I was DD, but accepted a shot from
da ever friendly Mudcatt on principle.
I couldn't drink it all anyways!! eww!

Atlanta has had it, I'm already doomed.

In 6 Wonderful Days I leave for Ireland. I've got loads of people to see and I'm very serious about bringing my tent with me and getting a few burly manly cousins to accompany me on a few days into the wild Irish bushland....any thoughts on this?

There really is so much news its ridiculous, so I must try to just spit it out! Though my veneer is composed and is set to do the day to day thing with vigor and dedication, my heart is awash in the swell of tempest driven high seas for freedom+ movement...*sigh* I miss you so much, and Leto, and MBavatu, and that hostel in Rotorua, and Pai, nestled in the unutterable sanctimonious beauty of Northern Thailand. I miss so. so. so. much more than that.

And with that said, though I want to bee-line towards saving for a Utterly Indulgent Years-Long Trip Abroad, it must be said that its a cheap shot towards something with a clear ending. So lately I've become fixated with joining the UN Peacekeeping Force abroad. Beaucoup Travel. Beaucoup Benefits. Beaucoup Pay and little cause to spend it. Plus adventure, helping people, and doing what I do really well: which is working in an environment where organization, efficiency, communication, and group work is valued.

With Mum and Dad's connections I think I can land my way on a career path that might actually yield a lifetime of work and merit, travel and adventure, opportunity, and freedom. I can always write in my free time. yey! I win!

But THAT can't happen til I get my citizenship: and guess what? Not here yet! They said I'd hear from them by NOVEMBER!. So I'm in a really annoying place where I can't move address or stray to far from home in case that letter comes in the mail announcing my date for test/swearing (with usual 6 days advanced noticed, and thats it). So after Ireland I'm just buckling down to save.
(above photo) My friend gets SWANKY (word of the week) with Mudcat on Northside Tavern.
I think thats the major stuff! I am still single but it seems the woodwork has movement yet! I had a crush on a dashingly handsome boy with a love for travel that was incidentally deaf from birth...he never got back to me. And last night I went rhythm and blues dancing with a gorgeous half-Filipino boy. We had a blast but there's no telling if he's interested, or even straight judging by his agility on the dance floor...as for girls: ugh, their all disasters!!! ha!!

Yep, I guess thats why I gotta cultivate my first loves: freedom and movement! At 3:36 pm the apartment is at its hottest, but an early promise of evenings first cool breeze rustles the curtains and sonatas briefly on the soft thin skin of my under arms before sauntering away; a wake of humidity falls in line behind and I take a big (hot) breath and resolve to keep on Keep On'in. So to speak.

A Handsome Filipino, a rakish Mudcat, and two girls...wait, i don't know them....!

Symphonies, Poison Ivy, and My Garden Grew!

YEY! A crazy blog that covers lots of ground and is really annoyingly underlined and blue in places

So I'm tucking into a huge bowl of leaves. I'm hungry, and I want to eat meat and cheese and ice-cream however, on my current high dosage of Prednisone it might be a damn silly thing to eat without my conscious. Those damn steroids will make me blow up just in time for the wedding in May, and I can't be having that.

PS. Folks, i'm having serious trouble with the underline button. I can't turn it off sometimes....

I'm on the drug because I went camping a few weeks ago. It was imperative that I test my new MSR Hubba Hubba 2 man tent and I had just the extreme weather I needed at the time, plus a crazy side-kick willing enough to try spending the night out in a thunder storm.

My MSR HUBBA HUBBA. It's the best tent ever! It stayed dry on QUITE a STORMY NIGHT
MSR TENT LOVER FOR LIFE! Look at the cosy roomy refuge!

The Type of day it was: The ceiling was low but the clouds rushed by without raining on us.

The Weather Channel Touted severe storms all day, but the sky was merely awash with gray clouds scurrying. I think they amped up the weather coverage for ratings, because the radar showed very isolated storms that wouldn't (and didn't) arrive til dusk. In fact, we had everything set up. My MSR Hubba Hubba was battened down and full of blankets and down pillows which we HOPED wouldn't get wet! Otter and I erected a tarp and built a low fire and watched the colors of the day congeal upon the dramatically foreboding clouds that sat low and high on the horizon. We even had a little sunshine: here's out little home away from home.

At dusk, the sky gets wild looking

Just as the sky was darkening so that the colors around us were fading fast a monstrous black cloud with a flashing belly came rumbling over us. This is the monstrous cloud with lightening in its belly!

We got what we asked for. It rained heavily. our tarp was set to high up, but it was too late now to fix it. we moved all our kitchen gear as far from the edges as possible yet when the hail fell, a few pieces ricocheted off the ground and hit us. It was thilling! Several micro-bursts came through over the course of the evening, and we manage to catch a fish during a break (try being out on a lake when the sky looks like THAT!), and cook it over our indian fire. Then just as we were readying for bed, the tarp snapped and the fire instantaneously ceased to exist and we pulled the tarp down around us and squatted in the pitch dark as the rain pounded us with only a tarp separating us.

We were camped pretty close to....THAT thing....

During flashes of lightening we could see each others faces: we were both a little elated and scared. This isn't the funnest thing ever, we were thinking. But then again, it is kinda fun. We agreed to make a break for the tent during the next lull in the weather. We prayed it would be dry.
We didn't have long to wait-these micro bursts were short lived. We peeled off our wet outter layers in the vestibule of my Hubba Hubba and were pleased as punch to see that our feather bed was bone dry and warm! Soon the pattering of the rain subsided and the moon came out and back lit the leaves of the dogwood aboves us like a shining head lamp. Then I went hiking the next day. And then I got Poison Ivy at somepoint. I kinda ignored it for a while, but I realized i was losing the battle. It was evil and spreading dispite the gallons of calamine I was using on it. I looked like a leper at work. I finally went to the minute clinic and got prednisone pills. Now I'm afraid I'm going to turn into a man.

The rash. It's lots better now, thank you!

Which hasn't happened yet. (me turning into a man, that is) In fact, I've had some amazing and classy Croft adventures!! Firstly Look at my GARDEN! Check out before and after photos! My basil has grown like 4oo%!! My Cilantro is kicking Mint's ass...why is that, I wonder! ? I think i need bigger containers soon!
Before: Note little basel 2nd to left and nothing in the cilantro/mint on the right

After: These were the 2 empty pots of mint/cilantro! Why is my mint so wee?


After: Look at my Basel!!!! It needs a new pot!

Went hiking twice since camping in the storm.... I can't seem to get enough of goofing about in the woods. And I wonder why and how I get poison Ivy.....

Me cavorting on a rock during a hike

Had a very social week. A friend from work had his birthday last week. For like four days in a row! This is us out at a new pizza restaurent.

Nom Nom Nom! oops, i mean glug glug glug

Been out with THIS crazy cracker and recording his jazzy stuff. See my Youtube for his awesome vids I posted there.

Went to the symphony last night. Was dressed to the 9s and LOVED IT! T'was Gustav Mahler's Symphony No. 6 in A minor. It was really sweet and sad and cataclysmic and epic.

My shoes are very happy to be here

at the symphony hall....

And here's some photos of the AMAZING BUDGE!!!!

So thats where I'm at. Just a quick update, no great insight into life. I am apparently not that good at doing that these days. I am thinking of putting together a youtube vlog tonight. We shall see. Cheers to those that follow.
Croftee

I want this to be true, i DO!

an email to a friend from Oz i met on my travels: thought it made good blog fodder, as I'll be too busy in the next 3-4 days to post.



I was reading over some old travel blogs from Cambodia and got all teary eyed and wistful. Those days were the best days. You know, since I've been home, I've thought of nothing else but saving dosh so I could get back to that life. But now a new opportunity has come up that I think might be foolish to ignore: UN Peacekeeping Officer. Good pay and benefits, plus more travel than you can shake a stick at. And my parents have connections in the UN that won't be around forever. The weight of responsibility looms just over my noggin--but so does what might be the gateway to a lifetime of fucking awesome challenging adventure travel goodness +pay! But before I can fuck off and shite, i have to stay in Atlanta until I get my citizenship. I called today but those people are getting more and more incompetent! I think my application for citizenship has been lost in the USCIS matrix. *sigh*

but no worries. Life is like Pleasure Tornado with a few Refrigerators thrown in. Found a Female Buzzard in the woods the other day, sitting on 2 speckled eggs. I have faith the world is doing what it's supposed to do. America's Leader is doing a few good things, the Fox News Loving Republicans are spitting hatred at him and meanwhile corrupt bankers and key persons in government are still comfortably running things--they've not been held culpable for being bonkers...greedier and cunning as fuck. Still Jon Stewart brings down the house with laughter and life goes on and it's spring and the car is covered in pollen: then suddenly it gets all freakishly cold and it snows on a Monday morning and so now there is Pollen Mud on my car.

Ungodly close to buying a scooter. Interested in your thoughts on that. Gotta wait until at least June. Going to Ireland for most of the month of May. Cousin's wedding. And an opportunity to see everyone--especially my grandparents. Hoping to get some camping in in the North-Connamarrah. My car is on the verge of needing repairs too expensive to justify, since the car itself is worth about...4$. A full tank of gas is probably worth more than the car itself...i kid. I hope to get a 900-1500 bucks for her one day....we'll see how long she lasts!

Budgies are good. House is cozy. Heart is intact and soul is singing (most of the time). I hope your settling in to your groove. I'm going camping for a few days and on Easter I'm thinking of picking up work. It wouldn't be a bad gig working on Bunny Day, as i like to call it. What's Easter like in Oz???? As much detail as u can muster, please.

Oh, and the coffee went well with this new boy. I was actually shocked at how easy it was to communicate! You sort of have to meet in the middle. I enjoyed thinking over what I said more carefully. I liked it when he got passionate about something and spoke a little too loud. It was cute. There was an inchworm that sat with us during our coffee and cake. He left early. I wanted to stay longer, but it seemed just about right to leave. I like new things. Reminds me off e.e.cummings. "you are quite so new a thing" that phrase echos over and over in my head: and I am smiling and smiling.

I loved all over my tables tonight. I got lots of love back. i guess i'm feeling pretty good, all things considered.

FACEBOOK BRAIN OVERLOAD!

MY MINT!!! It's ALIVE!

Okay, so I gotta share this or I'm going to explode.

T'was a joyous moment when someone I had an inexplicable crush on and somehow brain-waved a set of events into effect that landed in the information being exchanged with a boy more handsome than I have words for at the moment. The boy looks intelligent and he smells like old Georgia well-to-do-refinery, which is...I think- a bit intimidating. And another yet unbelievably daunting challenge--he is deaf...or some kind of deaf--you see-I know very little about him. Only that he captures some of my molecules in his aura and they come back...charged.

this is a fun feeling.

I received an email from him this evening which had me shaking my head. He speaks of wanting to travel...to travel!! And he answers my question (pie or cake) with a totally acceptable assessment of pie...and cake. His writing demonstrated an appreciation for detail and the simple pleasures in life.

Oh god, then I face-booked him!

And down shatters the fantasy. The girls in the photos look like painted goddesses. How could he possibly like me? A child of the earth in body, and a crone at heart, and a mother...well-even I have no idea where my Mother Gland is...that isn't to say ... hey! I'm not saying ANYTHING...No reason to get all worked up over a stupid coffee-date or whatever!

SO! after a few totally awkward texts we've arranged coffee tomorrow. There are lots of things going on right now and its just kinda another refrigerator thrown into the tornado of my life right now. Lots of great things actually happening so life is just unbelievably exhilarating! It's SUCH A GOOD TIME TO BE ALIVE!!!
I might as well post some photos of what I've been doing lately! Need to update.

I'll try to be brief. While hiking in North Atlanta I've regularly seen a pair of buzzards that circle over the Chattahoochee River. I remember seeing them for about 2 years. Saturday I came across the female, sitting on her eggs. I got video of the eggs which I haven't edited yet, but here are some photos of Mama sitting on her eggs.

It was a beautiful feeling...a sacred holy feeling-seeing nature actualized. Which is to say, here in spring time was a buzzard doing what buzzards do: making more buzzards. And this kinda ugly daunting creature resisted all instinct to flee from us to protect her young encased indelicate white eggs with little black speckles. I felt the rest of the day like I'd seen a once-in-a-lifetime thing... it was positively wonderful.



peas yall

time to get something out

(the new dress)

Because this whole past week I was engaged in nothing more creative than spending cash. No videos, no blogs, no articles...and I only advanced about a chapter in my down-under book. I bought plane tickets to Ireland Monday night (yey!) and spent time the rest of the week tiling a table, purchasing a new harp, and planting a wee garden for the window. I also bought a dress for the wedding next month, and took myself out a lot, which is somewhat out of character for me. Bad Teddy.

I need to stay in ALL next week! WRITE WRITE WRITE!

April is going to be buckle down and work and save and write month. I'm very much wanting to buy a scooter, but I think I have to wait until after Ireland...so June. (which is tooo faar away). My car sometimes makes ominous no-good-car-noises. So I hope it lasts me until then!

What do I want to write about, you ask? Geese, I got a few novels going "The hole would get bigger" is the title of one (its still all in my head) and "Bubblegum for a Hungry Heart", also unwritten to date. I've got some unexplored article headings about Facebook, and Chacha. Course, I could totally funnel my last trip into a book: if only I could SIT DOWN AND DO IT.

A ton of my energy goes into cleaning my little home. Sometimes the house looks clean, yet I can still find 2 or 4 good hours of work to be done. But it is only when everything around me is balanced and clean that I can focus on work. Is that bad?

I'm off to work for a few hours now. I hope it goes by fast and I make lots of mula!! Then I have dinner plans with Robert. (I think, he's being evasive). But I will be home in time for ATHF which has a new episode out tonight at 11:45.

and maybe some writing in there??? Probably not. Sob. And i have to get this video edited of the family trip!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH

So here's to the most boring laundry list of blogs ever made. I'm glad no one ever reads this anyways!!!

Jewels and Cameron at El Azteca last week
My new (thrift store) table for my living room. My tiled table and the harp.
Ze Garden!!!!

HAPPY SAINT PATS TO EVERYONE! It's a special holiday for me, as you may know, and i'm just looking forward to being Irish all day!!! Aye, tis a lovely breed to be. Everyone have fun and BE safe tommrrow!!!

One of my favorite scenes from any movie: Bladerunner...this is the final words of the character richard lugar

I've seen things you little people wouldn't believe... Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion bright as magnesium... I rode on the back decks of a blinker and watched c-beams glitter in the dark near the Tanhauser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time like tears in the rain...Time to die.

that movie is soo good.
Got ideas, so much updates to come!